Raising Rescues

Squirming Porter Series

2009-01-16T19:54:00.000-05:00

Squirming Porter Series

2009-01-16T19:49:00.003-05:00

James Franco Spotting

2009-01-12T18:59:00.002-05:00

I saw James Franco on the street. He was walking with his friend and a small dog who wanted to say hi to Porter and Sadie. So, I tried to act cool and stopped for a second or two to let the dogs sniff each other. Then, of course, Porter started barking for attention and I said "oh, don't worry, he's all bark." And James laughed so sincerely (well, he is of course an actor). I still blush when I think about it. I think I was too embarrassed to say anything else and kind of ran off.

A Loose German Shepherd

2009-01-05T12:49:00.003-05:00

On a recent walk with Porter and Sadie, we encountered a huge German Shepherd loose in a park. He was beautiful. Exactly what a German Shepherd should look like. Gorgeous conformation and a pleasant expression. But he was loose. And the park was tiny and just feet away from the West Side Highway that runs the length of Manhattan and known for motorists who don't slow down for pedestrians or bicyclists let alone dogs running free.

Instead of walking through the park, we went around it because I didn't want Porter and Sadie's presence to excite the dog and cause a horrible accident. My plan was thwarted, though, when the dog spotted them anyway and trotted out onto the sidewalk to say hi. It would have actually been safer if I'd walked through the park, because now here we were, on a street corner.

Sadie immediately went into a play bow and the German Shepherd got so excited that he jumped out into the street. Luckily, traffic was stopped at a red light and he didn't get hit. Without even removing his earphones, the dog's owner came running out and was able to call the dog back to safety. What a jerk.

Sadie, Lounging

2009-01-01T20:13:00.000-05:00

Porter Pees on Himself

2008-12-30T13:30:00.002-05:00

I bought Porter a cute sweatshirt to wear during our last snow storm. It's gray and makes him look like he just finished an especially grueling workout.

Most dog clothes aren't made to correctly fit both the billowing chest of pit bulls as well as their tiny wastes and this was no exception. Manufacturers make garments assuming that if a dog has a huge chest they must also have a huge belly. Not the case in my household.

I decided to test drive the sweatshirt on a particularly cold and blustery day. We walked down to the river and Porter lifted his leg but I didn't see anything come out. Strange considering he hadn't peed at all yet. Then I realized the horror of the situation. Porter had peed alright, just up into the billowing sweatshirt and subsequently all over his own belly and chest.

He was mortified. If dogs could cry he would have been bawling. I felt horrible and immediately undressed him and carried the soiled sweatshirt all the way home.

After washing it, I sewed a dart into the underside and so now Porter can wear it (and pee outside) with pride.

Crazy Woman at Dog Run

2008-12-29T17:16:00.002-05:00

This happened months ago but I have not been inspired to blog about it until now. I'm not sure why. Probably because work is very slow and I have the time.

I stepped into the dog run to give a client a short break from his lesson. A woman with an older, very large German Shepherd was already inside. Her dog did something she didn't like, which was so insignificant and obvious dog behavior that I don't remember what the "infraction" even was. That's what makes this story even more depressing.

The woman ran over to her dog and started hitting him on the nose. She hit him hard and in front of a handful of other dog owners. She was obviously out of her mind and a fixture in the run. The other owners turned their backs and rolled their eyes. I, however, couldn't help myself from running over and actually putting my hand out to make her stop. I said something about how that was not the way to train a dog and that hitting him was, in fact, going to do the opposite of what she wanted the punishment to do.

Sharing my thoughts prompted her to turn to her aggression toward me (I was happy she stopped hitting the dog!) and she started yelling things like "why don't you write a paper on why it's bad to hit a dog and once it's published bring it back to me so I can read it." I had to turn away to stifle my laughter. She was deranged and I thought she might start hitting me in the nose.

To think that in current times she has not idea about the depth of research that has been done - and published, none-the-less - about how detrimental it is to hit a dog was beyond me.

I still feel sorry for that beautiful German Shepherd getting hit in the nose that day. No matter what that woman thought, he had no idea why she was doing that to him.

Sadie and Sophie Play Tug

2008-10-26T10:57:00.000-04:00

My Beautiful Dogs

2008-10-09T13:01:00.001-04:00

Pant Leg Nibbling

2008-10-08T19:11:00.003-04:00

While Porter and Sadie are doing much better around strangers in the apartment, I have to remember to only invite people over for the first time when I'm sober. At least the other night I had enough sense to not let Sadie out of the bedroom when my friends Tony and Susan came up to the apartment to use the bathroom quickly after dropping us off, and before driving home to New Jersey.

Porter had met Susan before and he didn't make a peep when she came into the living room. Tony didn't enter with her, though, because he ran to the bathroom as quickly as he could. When he entered the living room, Ben, Susan and I were already relaxed and I think Porter was caught off guard by someone entirely new entering the space.

He ran to Tony and greeted him with a robust bark. Not an alarmed, 'why are here] Sadie-like bark, but a 'welcome to my home, friend' Porter shout. He is our special little guy after all. Tony is a dog person and has had two pits in his life so he wasn't scared, but he didn't help dismiss the behavior either.

Before I knew it, Tony was hugging and kissing Porter, which only fueled the fire. Now, thinking he had a special bond with Tony, Porter wouldn't leave him alone, and even nipped his pant leg when he got up to leave -- an older Porter trick that dates back to the first time I met him.

I was not pleased and embarrassed the next day. Porter is so good yet oh so bad. He's my long term project.

Porter's Little Friend

2008-09-22T21:58:00.002-04:00

Porter made a new little friend while at the dog park a few days ago. He wasn't a large playful dog to run around with or a pretty mild mannered pooch to chase the ball alongside. The dog who befriended Porter was tiny, fluffy and attached himself to Porter's front left leg. He wouldn't let go and stayed attached even as Porter moved around and jumped for the ball. Once moving fast enough, the force shook the little guy free, but he consistently came back for more. Porter didn't know what to do. He looked up at me with a sorry, pathetic look on his face as if pleading with me to get the parasite. Eventually, Porter's silent treatment got through the little one.

Sadie "Plays" With Izzy

2008-09-11T11:04:00.000-04:00

I boarded a Yorkie puppy named Izzy last weekend and she adored Sadie. Too bad Sadie's head is bigger than Izzy's entire body. Here they are enjoying each other's company. I'm sure Porter was snuggled up next to me when this picture was taken.

Dog Fighting Trial

2008-09-09T09:24:00.002-04:00

Yesterday, I went to a courthouse in the Bronx to protest against dog fighting. There was a group of men on trial there and we wanted our voices heard--to tell the judge how despicable we thought they were. I went with my friend Belisa. It was really early and we'd barely had any coffee. We met a handful of other concerned citizens organized by a dog rescue group. Some of them had signs that had sayings like "Real Men Protect God's Creatures" and "Only Cowards Fight Dogs". One sign outed the ring leader by displaying his name. There was a girl too embarrassed to hold up her sign so Belisa and I did it for her.

When the ring leader passed we stared him down. He wouldn't look at us.The cops told us that however much they appreciated what we were doing--they had dogs too, you know--we couldn't do it on the steps of the courthouse. So, we went inside and sat in the audience watching as person after person (come to think of it there were NO women) appear in front of the judge awaiting whatever came next in the process of their arraignment. Some were fined, some were told to do community service, some were told to come back in a month. It was a poorly choreographed circus of criminals and harried lawyers in suits.

In the end, Belisa and I had to leave before any of the seven men we were there for appeared. We got word later on that the ring leader and another defendant were using the same attorney, which caused a conflict and therefore a delay. Out of the other 7 defendants, one was a no show...no excuse...warrant out for his arrest. Anther could not make it due "to car problems," two are now not going to be prosecuted due to "not enough evidence," although one of them is currently in a New Jersey jail on unrelated charges. Another plead not guilty.

I appreciate what the rescue group is doing, but I just can't help but believe it is an ineffective use of their time, especially since the courtroom is so frazzled and since signs aren't allowed, we look no different from those there to support their family members and friends. We could even be the ones awaiting an appearance.

I left the courthouse determined to come up with a plan on how I can work toward making a practical difference in my own community. Making my neighbors aware that dog fighting does happen in Chelsea, a more affluent part of the city than the Bronx, is the first step.

Exterminator

2008-09-08T18:17:00.002-04:00

My entire building was exterminated the other day, which meant I had to find someplace for Porter and Sadie to hang out for a few hours lest they become high and risk death by fumigation. The easiest option was for Ben to walk them to my friend Kathryn's place in the West Village in the morning after which I would pick them up in the afternoon and hurry home in time to meet their dog walker.

They looked so confused when I arrived. It was hot (Ben forgot to put the air-conditioner on, though he did flip on NPR and set out a bowl of water). Porter had been there before, but Sadie hadn't and she was quietly barking at the commotion of the front door opening from her hiding spot in the bathroom. When Porter saw it was me he started jumping from piece of furniture to piece of furniture in excitement.

We ended up meeting their dog walker in the stairwell of my building. Hectic NYC day was a success.

Porter plays fort

2008-09-03T07:45:00.000-04:00

My sick doggies

2008-08-31T12:24:00.003-04:00

Both Porter and Sadie are sick. Not only do they have diarrhea, and accidents in the apartment overnight, but they're very lethargic. On our second walk of the day yesterday, Porter laid down on the sidewalk after only 15 minutes outside. It was muggy and hot but he's never done that so soon into a walk before. We fasted them for a whole day two days ago and the symptoms got better, but made the mistake of feeding them yesterday. Today they're going to eat a mixture of applesauce, chicken broth and pumpkin to try and get them back on track.

Porter sports a spit mustache

2008-08-29T21:57:00.000-04:00

Sadie asks, "Who's There?" at the dog park earlier today

2008-08-29T21:50:00.000-04:00

Quirky Family

2008-08-28T09:09:00.003-04:00

I tend to forget how odd my dogs are until a stranger meets them for the first time. Tim, Sarah's new boyfriend, came with her to pick Sophie up after a sleep over last weekend. It was the first time any of us met Tim. He was great, and I especially appreciated his ability to appreciate both Sadie and Porter.

Sadie's last hurdle is excepting strangers into the apartment without incident. She is getting much better but I still take every opportunity to work with her on this problem of hers. When Sarah and Tim entered, I was standing in the living room next to Sadie telling her no every time she barked at him. Her barking has drastically decreased from what it once was in similar situations. Now it' s more of 'who the hell are you?" instead of "I WILL HURT YOU IFYOU DON'T GET OUT OF HERE NOW!" If you don't know her, however, combined with the small quarters of my apartment, the experience can be unsettling. Tim's response was to tell us over and over again (and quite sincerely) how beautiful she is. At least she has beauty going for her!

Porter, meanwhile, is still anxious about change. It is slowly getting better, but as soon as he saw a person he didn't know enter the apartment, he quickly said hi to him and then ran into the bedroom and started humping his bed. What a greeting.

Eventually, we all sat down in the living room. I was on my huge beanbag chair monitoring Sadie who was by this point chewing on a huge marrow bone, and every so often glaring at our guest. Tim sat on the couch farthest from us, Sarah sat in the middle and Ben closest to Sadie and me. Porter's humping spell finally broke and he came out to join the party. He immediately fixated on Tim, who let him jump on his lap and practically make out with him. I don't love it when Porter does this, but considering how many people are scared of him (because he's a pit bull with a huge head) it makes me feel good when people downright love his attention. I let Tim and Porter get to know each other until Porter got a little too assertive and actually did stick his tongue down his throat.

Next time we'll work on giving Porter some boundaries.

New Dog Walker

2008-08-26T10:35:00.003-04:00

Joe is no longer Porter and Sadie's dog walker. He quit, or got fired, the story is unclear. The point is that I was extremely nervous for another walker to take Joe's route in fear that Sadie would be unkind to this person entering our apartment. Turns out that Jay, the new walker, used to work at the daycare that Sadie and Porter went to before it closed and so Sadie knows him. What a relief. She barks a little when he enters the apartment but is otherwise well behaved. Her world has gotten that much bigger and I couldn't be happier.

Drop Kick Porter

2008-08-26T09:05:00.003-04:00

Porter has a huge head. It's a half inch wider than mine and he barely weighs 50 pounds. It's so hard that once when teaching him a trick called "sit pretty" he jumped for the treat in my hand and accidentally head butted me in the mouth. The collision chipped one of my front teeth.

Porter looks physically tough and he is. His feelings, however, are easily hurt. The other day while at the dog run with Ben, another owner was throwing a ball for all the dogs. After a while, the game resulted in slobbery, disgusting balls, so--like most people in that situation--she resorted to kicking the balls to avoid having to touch the wet mess. She went to kick the ball at the same time Porter darted down to grab it and her foot jammed Porter in the mouth.

He started bleeding but initially stood there as stoic as always, seemingly oblivious to the pain. Within a minute, though, an intense hurt expression came over his face as if he was asking her, 'why did you do that to me?' She felt horrible and when we ran into her the next day she continued to apologize. Porter had forgotten about the incident by then, but she was still limping.

Remembering A Happy Moment With Brenda

2008-08-22T09:32:00.002-04:00

Turkey Neck Strategy

2008-08-22T09:19:00.002-04:00

Because Porter's humping is rooted in anxiety, punishment only makes matters worse. I try to be proactive by increasing his exercise and training, though he already gets quite a bit of exercise and after a long day of training other people's dogs the last thing I want to do is train my own. If I close the bedroom door and pick up the living room beds, he usually either starts chasing his tail or licking his paws. Last night was the first time that I was able to break the humping spell for any length of time by enticing him with a frozen turkey neck--his favorite treat. He stopped humping, came in the other room, ate the neck and then hung out peacefully with the rest of us. I did close the bedroom door after his exit.

I've gotten him to stop humping in the past by placing frozen turkey necks on the ground, but he's always immediately resumed the randy behavior. The first time I tried this strategy, he stopped humping, picked up the turkey neck, placed in on the bed and started humping again, the neck flopping around like a fish out of water.

I even tried tying a neck to the bedroom doorknob. Prevented from putting it on his bed, Porter ate the neck where it hung at the end of the string but then immediately went back to the bed.

All in all, both the frequency and length of his humping has decreased so I'm hoping time is on my side with this one.

Sadie's Cough

2008-08-19T09:08:00.002-04:00

Sadie recently got a cough. It's the middle of August and she's hacking all over the place. I'm not worried enough to take her to the vet. The summer, after all, is a when I usually get the most sick. Dog's get the flu just like we do. Her illness did, however, remind me of her mortality and that someday I'm going to lose her too.

Canine Lullabies

2008-08-16T19:48:00.003-04:00

My friend Sarah gave me a CD called Canine Lullabies. It's made by a musician who has studied the calming effects of music on babies, and decided that if it works for upset babies, it must work for anxious dogs. The CD includes classic lullabies including "London Bridge," "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star," and "Mary Had a Little Lamb," all set on top of a very loud and continuous heartbeat. The heartbeat is apparently calibrated to the normal rhythm of a dog's heartbeat.

Sarah brought it over on the suggestion of someone else who has used it to calm her anxious dogs. We popped the CD in and waited with baited breath for it to do its magic for Porter.

This was all happening days after Brenda's passing, and Porter was pretty agitated. Moments after "London Bridge," the first track, started, he perked up his ears, started staggering a little and made a beeline for his bed, where he flopped into it. Sophie, Sarah's dog, nestled into another bed, and Sarah and I looked at each other with jaws dropped! It couldn't be. This was way too good to be true.

While the CD seemed to work for Porter and Sophie, there were two things wrong with the situation. The CD seemed to actually make Sadie more agitated. It did after all, put her two favorite playmates out of commission. The more pressing issue, though, was that Sarah and I had to listen the music as well. It was driving us crazy.

We turned it off to see if the calming effect would last. It didn't. The moment Ben came home and the dynamic in the apartment changed, Porter went straight to humping his bed. I tried to put the CD on my laptop and play it right next to his head, but it didn't do a thing. I guess his humping trance can't be broken by Canine Lullabies.

Haunted by a Pug

2008-08-14T09:50:00.002-04:00

Ben takes Porter and Sadie to the dog park every morning and always comes back with funny stories about the goings on there. A particularly steamy heat wave swept NYC last week and most of the dogs I know responded by moving in slow motion and looking rather lackluster. Sadie and Porter were no exception. One morning inside the park, Sadie was not only seemingly too hot to play, but she was being tormented by flies. Apparently, as soon as Ben took her leash off, she just stood there nipping at the flies swarming around her backside. The goofy expression on her face, tongue hanging out, and droopy skin, made the other dog owners chuckle. It wasn't until a tiny pug entered the play space that the situation turned hilarious. The pug ran right up behind Sadie and started sniffing her butt, but the pug was so small and had situated himself directly out of Sadie's line of vision, that she thought it was another fly. Every time she turned around to swat it off, the pug moved a little as if he was purposely hiding from her. By this time she was getting really annoyed and sat down, hoping to stop the flies that way and she came inches from sitting directly on top of the pug. At this point she looked at Ben with a "get me out of here" expression and so, of course, he did!

Sadie's Progress

2008-08-12T22:49:00.004-04:00

While many of our friends (really those who Sadie loves) always came to visit, it wasn't until Brenda was gone that we started having our other friends over--the ones who we like, but who Sadie has always been wary of. The first to come over, within a week of losing Brenda, was Jason.

When we first adopted Sadie, Jason was around a lot. Back then, she had to be tethered to the radiator and he had to endure her snarling and lunging every time he got up from his seat. This time, nearly two years later, she was perfect. Ben and Jason and I were talking and drinking whisky in the kitchen when Sadie trotted in and plopped herself on the floor at our feet. Jason proceeded to tell a story while gesturing a lot. Sadie barely glanced at him. She was so quiet we hardly knew she was there.

After a bit, Jason asked what would happen if he bent down and said hi to her. I could tell she'd be fine (or maybe it was the whisky talking) so I said 'go for it.' The instant he knelt down, he fell back against the stove, which made a loud crashing noise, and simultaneously knocked a glass off the counter. Sadie barely moved her eyebrows. I was so proud.

Porter, of course, was in the living room humping his bright pink bed. While his anxiety did flare up in the beginning of the two-dog household, it seems to be getting a little better. He is sleeping the entire night on his own bed now, which is a huge improvement for him. He's actually sleeping in the exact spot that Brenda did, on my side of the bed.

He was great when Ben's mom came to visit, but Porter loves getting attention from just about anybody who will give it to him. Surprisingly, Sadie was also OK. She had a few snarly outbursts but considering we weren't comfortable leaving her free when our last overnight guest stayed with us, this visit was a huge success. It was only when Barbara came in the door after being gone a day (I think it took Sadie a bit to recognize her) and then at the end when she knelt down to give Sadie a goodbye kiss that Sadie showed any major signs of displeasure.

Brenda's Ashes

2008-08-11T18:39:00.003-04:00

I picked up Brenda's ashes today. It was hard to be back at the vet's office. I've been avoiding going, but it wasn't until I glanced into the room where Brenda died that I became emotional. I wanted to thank Dr. Delorenzo for her compassion and the charitable donation she made in Brenda's name, but she wasn't in the office. Sending her a card is easier than seeing her, anyway.

The tin urn is smaller and more simple than I imagined it'd be. My grandma's urn is the only other I've seen, and that looks almost like a gaudy flower pot. There were pamphlets in the bag advertising the canine version of the gaudy urn, of course, but for now Brenda's sitting on my book case.

On my way home, I started thinking about the most appropriate thing to do with the ashes. It's hard, because Brenda's favorite place was in my arms.

In Mourning

2008-08-10T19:48:00.003-04:00

I haven't been able to bring myself to write about Brenda in weeks. I'm not sure I'm up or it now. She was put to sleep two-and-a-half weeks ago and my family is slowly starting to heal. Putting her to sleep was the hardest decision of my life, but I knew I couldn't continue living like I was. Nobody in my family could. Porter wouldn't walk in the apartment, he started chasing his tale and humping his bed in anxious fits, Brenda tried to attack him one night recently and deeply punctured my leg instead. She ran to the end of her tether and my body happened to be there. I was sleeping. Ben couldn't come home without calling first to make sure it was safe.

I feel a mixture of pain, relief, guilt, anger. There's a certain amount of redemption in the situation. She didn't die the way "they" wanted her to. The energy her body left this world in was positive. Had she died eighteen months earlier it would have been a big black cloud of suffering.

My friends and family have been incredibly supportive. "It's not my fault," they say. "You tried harder and longer than anyone else I know would have." These things are true but the words don't do much to ease the pain. I miss her terribly, yet I'm happy that my family can move freely again and I'm not constantly mopping up urine. I'm also comforted to know that Brenda doesn't have to live in constant fear, either.

I took Brenda's last day off from work and spent it hanging out with her. We went on a long walk, I bought her treats and gave her lots of pets. My constant crying didn't help make her feel at ease though. At one point I muzzled her so Ben could say goodbye. I left the room and tried to ignore his sobbing.

Since the vet is on a busy street and Brenda wasn't good in crowds, I carried her most of the way. Her belly flat against mine, her legs splayed out to the side and her head resting on my shoulder. It was her favorite position. She was heavy but I liked her like this because passersby thought she was cute. She was comfortable and secure and for those minutes she was a functioning member of society.

She stayed on my lap in the waiting room and I could barely see the doctor through my tears. Thankfully, Belisa was there with me. She wasn't holding up much better than I was. The vet laid down a pink blanket and started by shooting Brenda up on a high dose of valium. Her tongue flopped out of her mouth and would remain hanging there. We pet her and cried and held her as the vet gave her an overdose of drugs. Then it was over.

Now her ashes are ready for us to pick up, but I'm not sure what to do with them. I ordered prints of Brenda to frame and hang up near my desk, but they are sitting in an envelope. I'm finally able to think about her without breaking down.

I received a letter in the mail yesterday from a foundation for the veterinarian care of stray animals. Our vet made a charitable contribution in Brenda's name. I cried when I read it.

She was happy during her last days. She destroyed a cute pink and animal-print plushie purse my mom sent her as a present, ate great food and spent a lot of one-on-one time with me.

Of course every relationship gives you something. From Brenda I learned commitment, compassion, and patience. Through it all I developed an intense language with Porter who looked to me to protect him at all times. I'm calmer and more in tune with my clients now. I have the mental space to take on their problems in a way that I didn't have before.

Now I'm ready to put more energy into making Porter and Sadie the best dogs possible. Brenda is with me everyday.

The Royal House of Dogs

2008-07-21T09:00:00.002-04:00

My apartment is 400 square feet and there are 8 dogs beds it it. One is inside a crate for Brenda and there are two sets of two beds stacked on top of each other, but still! My freezer is also always stocked with a huge bag of frozen marrow bones, there's a bin of treats in the cupboard, and Ben makes them troughs of food from scratch using fresh ingredients.

They have to work for most everything we give them, but they get a lot. Sometimes I feel like my dogs are treated like royalty, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

More Sleepless Nights

2008-07-20T18:01:00.003-04:00

After weeks of sleeping through the night, Brenda has again started waking me up before the sun rises. I drag myself out of bed, put on a robe, slip into my flip flops, untether her from my nightstand, take her to the water dish and then up to the roof. It doesn't happen every night, but usually on the most inconvenient ones--like before I have an early morning. Benadryl helps her sleep. I just have to remember to give it to her.

Hot Cross Buns

2008-07-20T17:51:00.002-04:00

I call the movement that Brenda makes on the roof during a heat wave the Hot Cross Bun Maneuver. It looks as if she's walking on hot coals, or each paw is a kernel of popcorn. As she's jumping up and down her entire body squirms and she makes little squealing noises. It's not pleasant to watch and looks like she's having a seizure.

I've seen Brenda do Hot Cross Buns on the sidewalk. No other dog I work with does such a thing. I figure her paws are still extremely sensitive from not walking much before that last year and a half.

Missed Opportunity

2008-07-17T09:03:00.002-04:00

Brenda gets a little shy when a camera is pointed in her face and so whenever I catch her in a pose I want to capture digitally, I have to be stealth about it. I usually turn the camera on behind my back, start pressing the shoot button and then quickly aim it at her as I depress the button fully. This tactic works only occasionally.

I missed her all-time cutest look the other day.

I was working at my desk when I turned around to see her sitting there and staring at me with a tennis ball in her mouth. Her ears were flopped over and folding toward the front and her head was cocked to one side. As soon as I made my move for the camera she darted under the bed.

Unsure, but Cute

2008-07-16T22:53:00.001-04:00

Brenda slept in until about 1:30 pm on Sunday. The entire family was up and about and I was waiting for her to get up out of bed so I could take her out, and I waited for hours. We were all a little lazy because of a late Saturday night but her laziness was extreme. She seemed depressed. Then, when she finally woke up and I got her outside, I noticed a huge blister in between her toes on her front right paw. I squeezed it just slightly and it popped and oozed out. I think the heat and her injured paw made her sad.

Forget Me Not

2008-07-15T22:11:00.002-04:00

It's as if there's a light switch in Brenda's head that turns her on and off. She goes from zero to sixty in an instant. She can be laying in her crate zoning out and watching the rest of the family mill about when someone or something that is otherwise insignificant or invisible to the rest of us sets her off. She barks and snarls until I intervene. This could mean that I simply stand up, or get in between her and the perceived trigger, or say 'no'. My interventions never need to be more than that. When she sees or hears me her body visibly deflates. She gets a huge smile on her face and looks ecstatic. It's an intense and exhausting situation that plays multiple times daily.

She often snaps when Porter walks past her, or when Ben walks into a room that I'm already in, but she occasionally snaps at me. It's as if she momentarily loses her mind and forgets who I am. This usually happens when she's in the hallway and I walk out of the bathroom, which exits into the hallway. When she gets into an agitated state I have to either show her my empty palms or get down on her level in order to pass. When I drop to my knees she sighs and runs into my arms.

Dead Pigeon

2008-07-15T20:14:00.002-04:00

A pigeon died on the roof the other day. The carcass, without a head, is still up there. I don't want to touch it. When the body was still fresh, Brenda was incredibly curious. I wouldn't let her near it, which was easy since I always keep her on leash when we're up there--more so she won't run back down the stairs before going to the bathroom than out of fear she'd jump or fall off.

Brenda's attempts at letting me near the bird were humorous, and sneaky. Instead of pulling hard on the leash, she pretended that she was uninterested and sort of meandered toward it. I was watching her though, and when we got a few steps away she looked up at me out of the corner of her eye and then made a mad dash. I was ready for the maneuver, and held tight. She didn't get it, but the tactic made me chuckle.

Trapped in Fear

2008-07-13T12:30:00.002-04:00

Summertime in the city means busy streets, crowded sidewalks and general mayhem outside. As the atmosphere gets more frenetic, Brenda's ability to cope with the world around her diminishes. I cannot walk past a man on the street without the possibility of Brenda snarling, growling, lunging or barking at him. Her fear response is there even if the man is standing still. Even if he has his back to us.

I imagine her as a a character inside a video game who is burdened with the task of finding safety amidst the enemy. To Brenda, everybody but me is the enemy.

An Unfair Situation

2008-07-12T18:50:00.002-04:00

The entire situation is unfair and agonizing. Porter is terrified of Brenda. Brenda is horribly mean to him. Porter is so anxious his tale chasing and bed humping is getting worse. Ben can't come home without calling me to make sure Brenda is safe in her crate. Sadie needs to have more interactions with guests in the apartment so she can learn to trust strangers but coordinating such setups is too stressful with Brenda home.

I have no peace! My family has no peace!

It sounds like I'm complaining, but I'm really just trying to make myself feel better about the agonizing decision I am forced to make.

I have given Brenda all that I have in me.

Squeaky Sleeping Noises

2008-07-12T18:29:00.003-04:00

Brenda sounds like a piglet when she sleeps. Not always, but occasionally, Brenda snorts and whines while her entire body twitches. Sometimes her tale wags. Sometimes she breaths so hard she's almost panting. I imagine that she's having a good dream. Maybe she's chasing a tennis ball. Maybe she's running alongside me in the woods. At least she no longer has nightmares.

Going Vegetarian

2008-07-10T20:47:00.002-04:00

Ever since I met Brenda I've been especially sensitive to animal-abuse stories in the news, and have become more aware of animal abuse in this country.

I've realized that animals are tortured every day on their way to our dinner plates. Both the meat and the dairy industry are incredibly inhumane. It's easy to not think about it and go on with everyday life but once you fall in love with a tortured animal, bring her or her into your home and accept her as an individual with thought, feelings, eating an animal, especially a tortured one, becomes unbearable.

I have cut out meat altogether and Ben now only buys meat from local farms where we can be sure the animals are treated at least much better than the huge big-business farms.

I would like to have the willpower to cut out dairy, but it will take me a while. There is only so much soy I can take. Luckily, there are enough small dairy farms that report to treat their animals humanely.

It's a strange world we live in.

Vacationing in the land of Rescues

2008-07-09T22:12:00.002-04:00

Ben and I just returned from a week-long vacation visiting my family in Oregon. Leaving Porter, Sadie and Brenda for a week is quite a task. The only person who can stay with them is Belisa--the only person besides me whom Brenda has grown to trust. Luckily, she was available and up for the job.

I didn't sleep the night before our flight. Takeoff was at 6 am, but still, I was intent on over-organizing things for the dogs...and the fleet of people taking care of them.

In addition to Belisa, who was their live-in caretaker and the only person who could handle Brenda, I enlisted my neighbor Shirly to walk P & S for the first three mornings (then she was off to her own family vacation in Israel). I also asked my friend Sarah to walk them a few afternoons when Joe, their dog walker was going to be off because of the Independence Day holiday. She was also scheduled to come over for playdates on two nights.

I typed "cheat sheets" for each room with tips on handling situations that might arise. The bedroom note said things like: "Porter likes to sleep with us, of course, but he will stay on his own bed near Sadie. Make sure he cannot see Brenda. You’ll have to move the tan bed from the living room into the bedroom if you don’t want him on the bed with you." The note in the living room said things like: "If you have taken Brenda to the roof but she is still really hyper and you’ve already given her the evening dose of Buspar, you can give her a melatonin in cream cheese to chill her out"; "If Porter is humping something or chasing his tail try to get him to chew a bone instead or tether him until he chills out"; "If any of the dogs do anything you don’t want them to do, say ‘no’ and tether them."

While I was gone Belisa sent text messages "from the dogs" that illustrated their discomfort with the situation and their hatred for the holiday fireworks. Porter: "Nobody is paying attention to me." Brenda: "snort." Sadie: "I'll protect all the bones. Nobody worry about the bones." Porter: " I hate fireworks." Sadie: "Me to." Brenda: "What are fireworks?" Belisa: "At least something we can all agree on."

I thought the texts were hilarious, and they made me feel comfortable that they were ok.

Human-Canine Bond

2008-07-07T14:54:00.000-04:00

At least I'm not alone in feeling connected to my dogs:

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/07/06/weekinreview/06goode.html?

Read this Story

2008-07-07T14:51:00.002-04:00

Brenda was found just months before Michael Vick went down for his pit bull fighting ring and I'm partial to all stories about the recovery of his dogs. Here's a good one to read:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/07/06/AR2008070602351.html?hpid=artslot

And for all you interested in Brenda's plight, click on the ads above this blog! ALL proceeds go to her care and rehabilitation costs.

Sticking Her Nose in the Air!

2008-07-07T14:49:00.000-04:00

Brenda Poses

2008-07-07T14:46:00.000-04:00

Pretty Brenda

2008-07-07T14:43:00.000-04:00

Sadie Spoons Brenda as Porter Looks On

2008-07-06T18:19:00.000-04:00

Brenda's Belly

2008-07-06T18:17:00.000-04:00

Anxiety is not Becoming

2008-07-06T15:21:00.003-04:00

I've read that one side affect of Buspar is increased anxiety, which is strange since Buspar is an anti-anxiety medication.

Brenda has been on Buspar for months now, and it has helped to calm her down considerably. I do think, however, that at times, the drug indeed makes her more anxious. I first noticed the affect during the last major heat wave to engulf NYC. Each night around 10 pm, about a half hour after giving Brenda her last dose for the day, she would go into fits of restlessness--panting, pacing and looking wild-eyed.

It was almost to much to bear. Not only was everyone else in the household getting ready for bed at this point, but we were all miserable in the heat and humidity of early summer. Brenda herself couldn't handle it outside and flopped down on the hot pavement seconds after going outside.

The heat wave broke and I started giving Brenda her last dose of Buspar earlier in the evening and before her evening walk. She has not had another anxiety-filled night so the new regimen will stay in place for the time being.

I admit that I've also occasionally been able to thwart off an anxiety attack by slipping her a melatonin when I sense once coming on.

Brenda's Infatuation

2008-07-06T15:15:00.002-04:00

I try to spend a few hours each afternoon alone with Brenda. I work at my desk and she snoozes on my bed behind me. By this time in the day Ben is usually already at work and Porter and Sadie are out with their dog walker. Brenda loves to be alone with me.

Sometimes I turn around to look at her. If her eyes aren't closed she is usually staring at me. I love it when she lays on her belly, paws at the every edge of the bed almost within reaching distance from me, legs crossed and her ears folded forward. She looks at ease in this position. When she spots me staring at her, her tail always wags and her lips turn up into what looks like a huge grin. If I stare too long she will get up, walk over and give me a kiss.

She's beautiful in these moments and I wish, for her sake, she could find such serenity in every situation.

Goofy Accident

2008-07-06T14:47:00.002-04:00

Brenda is clumsy. After what she's been through--living most of her life in a crate too small for her to even stand up in--it's a wonder she can even walk. She is wobbly and often needs help walking up the many stairs leading to our apartment. She stumbles and trips over something every day.

Nothing compares to the silly way she recently hurt her leg, though. I was standing in the kitchen watching Brenda as she was making her way to one of the dog beds in the living room when she stopped abruptly. A second ticked by and she twitched violently, squealed in a pain, hobbled to the bed and immediately started licking her leg.

I rushed to her side but was unable to find a wound anywhere or a foreign object stuck in her paw.

It's almost as if she had a minor seizure, which would actually explain a lot. I've been watching her closely since then, looking for a sign that she has had or will suffer a similar episode but so far the incident seems to have been an anomaly.

Muzzle Kiss?

2008-07-06T14:27:00.002-04:00

When Brenda and I are alone she acts completely opposite from when anybody else is around (except for maybe Belisa). When it is just Brenda and I, she snuggles with me, kisses my lips and is playful. She is calm and content and self-assured. If I was single and lived alone in the woods things just might work out between us. That's the only type of life she would truly be content with.

As it is now, in my tiny 400-square-foot five-floor walk up in NYC shared with two other dogs (Porter and Sadie) and my fiance (Ben), life is far from the idyllic fantasy I assume exists in Brenda's mind.

She cannot be free around anybody except Porter, Sadie, myself and Belisa. When Ben is home or we have guests over Brenda is either in her crate (preferred) or if I'm feeling especially confident that I can manage the situation or she is crying to be let free, I will put a muzzle on her and watch her every move.

All was calm for about 10 minutes the last time this scenario played itself out. My friend Sarah and her dog Sophie, who is Sadie's best friend, were over for a playdate and Ben was also home. Brenda had been cooped up in the crate for far too long and, feeling, guilty, I let her out with a muzzle on.

She followed me around for a bit, sticking to my leg like a piece of velcro and every so often bumping into my flesh with the hard, plastic, wire muzzle. I decided to sit down on the floor in the living room where everywhere else was hanging out. Sarah and Ben were on the couch talking while the three other dogs rested on the floor after playing roughly.

Brenda stood next to where I was sitting and all of a sudden she got very stiff and stared at me. What happened next transpired so fast that I can't really believe it happened at all. Brenda got very agitated and snarled and ran her muzzle into my face. For the first time since I took Brenda into my home 14 months ago I felt as if she would have hurt me had she not been prevented by the muzzle.

I don't think she is inherently evil. I don't think she means to inflict harm. I don't feel as though she was even trained to be vicious. Her lot in life is more devastating than that. She has been so severely abused that she is a tortured soul and in some situations even I, the person who she feels most comfortable with, can't ease her pain.

Doorknob Fiasco

2008-06-26T08:40:00.002-04:00

The doorknob to my bedroom door broke. It keeps falling off and trapping me inside. I'm safe if I remember to put the end with a long screw in the door facing the room. It's a problem when the longer end is facing the hall and I walk into the room and shut the door. Then I have no doorknob and have to hunt for something that will work (flat, square keys are the best). I've had to call my neighbor to be rescued!

The real problem with this situation, and the only reason I even close my bedroom door, is Brenda. If I want to give her a little more freedom but have guests over or except the dog walker, she gets to hang out in the bedroom. And, when I'm working at my desk, I like to close the door so she can't roam around. It's always during the time I need to concentrate that she decides to pace around the apartment and will inevitably pee.

I guess one option would be to get a new doorknob. For now I'm stuck switching the long side each time I exit and enter the room.

Brenda Meltdown

2008-06-22T19:43:00.002-04:00

I had a meltdown last sunday night. Brenda and Porter got in a fight over Ben again. This time Porter punctured Brenda's head above her eye. She had the muzzle on so Porter wasn't hurt. It happened quickly. Then I started crying and didn't stop until Monday night. I hit the breaking point and realized that I couldn't handle living with Brenda anymore.

That entire next day I walked around in a daze trying to come to terms with why I was feeling so badly about the situation. Trying to figure out why I am so desperate to stick it out with Brenda. It seems like failure not to. I do realize, though, that when her life gets so small it's time to end it.

I'm feeling much better now. Brenda is still alive and I've stopped putting so much pressure on myself to fix her. I know that I've given her the best 14 months of her life and no matter what happens she won't die the way her abusers wanted her to. She will die loved.

Something strange happened after I gave myself the freedom to just let her be. She has calmed down and things have been peaceful in the apartment. They say dogs are a mirror of ourselves and sometimes I can see why.

Pit Parties

2008-06-20T15:57:00.002-04:00

I went to two parties in one night a few weeks ago and met several people at each who had recently adapted pit bull puppies. Conversations with them made me feel a mixture of jealousy, hope and worry.

Given the rough time I've had with my own adult rescues, I'm obviously envious of those who have the privilege of adopting puppies. I'm happy that there are good people out there who will take the time to nurture them and raise them properly. I just hope that they do, and not follow the advice of people like the Dog Whisperer.

One woman I spoke with said "I'm doing everything right. I mean when he gets out of hand I roll him on his back." harumph! I think I was persuasive enough to get her to stop doing that.

Xtreme Heat = Xtreme Pain

2008-06-19T21:50:00.002-04:00

There was a recent heat wave in NYC and besides the humidity and high temperatures making me feel irritable and cranky, it took a major toll on Brenda.

She refused to walk and I had to pick her up every few feet. I was sweating and her fur stuck to my arms and chest--any exposed skin was covered with dog hair.

Passersby thought she was cute and many stopped to talk to me.

Sometimes I didn't pick her up when she flopped down on the sidewalk and instead I tried to wait her out. I didn't mind just standing there, but I was on edge from worrying if anybody or any dog might get too close and set her off.

The low point of the heat wave was having to carry up all five flights of stairs.

Mother Teresa ...For Dogs?

2008-06-19T21:17:00.002-04:00

I ran into Joe while he was walking Porter and Sadie the other day. They were standing on the sidewalk talking with a man who, I could tell from half a block away was drunk. It was 2pm. The man was kneeling and kissing Porter who was more than happy to indulge him. Sadie was standing a step back, unsure of what to make of the guy.

As I approached, Joe said "oh, there's their mother."

"Thanks, Joe," I thought. Now I had to stop and talk to this crazy drunk guy.

"Hi," I said, waving to the group.

"These are your dogs?" the drunk guy asked.

"Yep."

"I love this one," he said, obviously meaning Porter.

"You should see the other one she has in her apartment," said Joe.

"You take them all in?" said the drunk guy

"Well, yeah."

"You're like Mother Teresa for dogs," he said, and walked away.

Gretta on Roof

2008-06-12T18:48:00.002-04:00

The sanctity of my precious roof, the place that has saved me trips downstairs in the middle of the night (when Brenda cries because she has to pee) and endless Swiffer pads (because I can easily rush Brenda out to pee the instant I see she has to go) has been tarnished.

Gretta, my new tiny Min Pin of a neighbor, and her mom were up there the other day.

Luckily, I was with Porter and not Brenda.

I played it cool, but was secretly seething. Now I hold my breath every time I walk up the stairs with Brenda in fear Gretta will be up there again.

Her mom said she was just curious to see if the door was open, and was disappointed the walls were so short, and made it seem like she wouldn't be using it much. It's true I haven't seen her again, so maybe she'll stay away.

Ben makes dog food

2008-06-12T17:15:00.001-04:00

...as Porter looks on

2008-06-12T17:14:00.000-04:00

Pretty Lady

2008-06-12T17:05:00.000-04:00

Tying her UP

2008-06-12T16:53:00.002-04:00

While walking Brenda the other night after an especially trying evening with her getting very agitated with both Porter and Ben, I actually tied her to a pole and walked away. I wasn't going to leave her there, of course, and I'm not even sure why I did it, but it was such a horrible feeling. I only got two feet away before I turned around and looked at her. She looked so scared. Her ears were pinned back to the sides of her head and her eyes were huge. She didn't make a sound. I rushed back and untied her.

How can people be so cruel?

"I'm Great With Dogs"

2008-06-08T16:51:00.002-04:00

Famous last words!

While walking Brenda the other day, I passed by two business men.

"Is that a puppy, are your training her?" one asked.

"No, she's an old lady," I said, stopping for a second but making sure I was standing between Brenda and them.

"Oh, can I say hi?"

"No, she's really scared of strangers."

"No really," he said, taking a step toward her. "I'm great with dogs. They all love me."

"Please don't. She's kind of dangerous," I blurted out.

"Ok," he said, looking dejected.

I'm still not sure why so many people think Brenda is a puppy. She is pretty cute, and she has trouble walking. And, unfortunately, most people don't see her from a close enough distance to make out her scars and other haggardly features.

Putrid Breath

2008-06-08T16:48:00.002-04:00

Brenda's breath stinks so bad I have to stop breathing when she comes near. I have never brushed her teeth in fear she'd do something bad to me, though I can massage her gums. Chances are good she'd probably let me brush her teeth. The toothpaste is, after all, liver-flavored.

Even though I'm the only one who gets close enough to kiss Brenda, you can smell it from a few feet away.

Is she rotting from the inside out?

Bone Roll

2008-06-08T14:07:00.001-04:00

I guess dogs just want to smell like their treasures. Instead of eating a bone right when I give one to her, Brenda drops it on the ground, or a bed, and dive rolls into it. She doesn't simply lay down and squirm around. She puts all her power into her right shoulder and as if doing a complicated wrestling maneuver, and takes out the bone as if it were her opponent. I call it the bone, drop and roll.

Human Feces-Filled Pants

2008-06-08T14:02:00.002-04:00

I don't know what it is with dogs and poop.

Sadie once rolled in a pile of human feces she found in the woods. I know it was human because there was toilet paper next to it.

Unfortunately, she did it the first day of a few-day camping trip and she smelled so bad that I could not be within a few feet of her, let alone sleep in a tent with her.

I had to wash her off in a stream and when that still didn't take the stench away, I had to rub her down with charcoal I found from an abandoned fire pit.

An incident last weekend gave me flashbacks to that episode.

While walking Brenda--in the middle of Manhattan, remember--we came across a pair of man's pants filled with poop.

It was as if Brenda found a million dollars. She was so happy and made a move to plop down and roll in it, but I pulled her away in the nick of time.

I can't even think about what it would have been like if I didn't.

Psychic?

2008-06-08T13:50:00.003-04:00

After Porter and Brenda got in a fight the other week, I told Stacy, my boss, about it. She suggested calling her psychic to ask about Brenda. I'm a sceptic, of course (!) but I've run out of points of hope and I'm actually contemplating it.

Apparently, the psychic is more accurate with animals than she is with people.

New Beds

2008-06-08T13:44:00.003-04:00

My lower back has been injured for more than a year. The symptoms have included debilitating pain when I stand still for too long, and feeling like I'm 80 years old each morning. Recently, the pain has nearly completely gone away. True, I've joined a gym and am doing strength-training exercises, but I also no longer sleep with a 72-pound dog and a 50-pound dog on my bed.

I bought Porter and Sadie new beds of their very own and they now sleep on the floor. Miraculously, not being pinned in awkward positions night after night has done wonders for my back.

The even better part is that I only had to tether Porter the very first night in order to teach him that I now wanted him to sleep on his bed instead of mine. He didn't even cry or bark or whine. I was very impressed given the ruckus he made the few other times we've tried to institute this new rule.

I do invite them up on the bed each morning after my alarm rings so we can snuggle before I get ready for the day. Now, whenever Porter hears the alarm, he bolts up and sits and stares at me until I say 'Ok'.

Keeping the Apartment Clean

2008-06-06T13:46:00.002-04:00

It's difficult to maintain cleanliness when living with three dogs in a 400-square-foot space. To achieve any sort of order I give myself daily goals. Twice a week I clean the entire apartment, which means picking up clutter, cleaning all surfaces and floors. Then, every other day, I tackle one room and give it a "deep" clean. The term deep clean has a different definition for each room. Some are easier than others, but basically it's cleaning under things and cleaning out drawers and cabinets, etc.

I know it sounds anal and some might even say obsessive compulsive, but if I didn't have some sort of schedule, I would probably just let the apartment get filthy.

Another struggle is getting my home to smell clean. Not only do we have three dogs who like to chew actual marrow bones and turkey necks! But our stove does not have an exhaust. If I lived alone it probably wouldn't matter, because I don't cook, but Ben cooks at least once a day.

I burn a lot of Oust odor-removing candles.

Walking Grannie

2008-06-06T08:59:00.002-04:00

Brenda's extremely high dose of Buspar combined with the heat of New York on the verge of summer has made for one sluggish dog. Though she still has outbursts and I have to have 360 degree vision at all times (maybe I'm just conditioned to be hyper-aware when I'm with her by now) I call her my little grannie.

She shuffles for a few steps, smells a fire hydrant, looks up at me with a crazed look and glassy eyes and then about fifteen minutes later she plops down on the sidewalk for a rest. I can pretty accurately estimate--based on the temperature, how long since her last dose of meds and how much exercise she's already had that day-- when she needs to take a break, and we walk to appropriate destinations.

We can't just stand on a busy sidewalk with lots of men walking by, for example, but have to be near the West Side Highway where only an occasional jogger will pass.

The way the drugs are affecting her makes me wonder if her little heart can take the dose. I don't have many more options for her, though. While not a wonder drug, Buspar has made living with her a million times better. Before I got the script I didn't know how much longer I could handle it.

I do peer into her crate each morning, which is right next to my side of the bed, to make sure she's breathing. I feel a strange mixture of relief and disappointment when I see that she is.

Coffee Spill

2008-06-05T21:33:00.002-04:00

I was walking Brenda last Saturday morning when we passed a woman sitting on a bench and drinking a cup of coffee. For some reason Brenda didn't like her and she growled and snarled. The woman was so startled she spilled her coffee on herself. I felt horrible and so I stopped to see if she was ok. Brenda is fine if I'm in between her and whatever has scared her, so I just kept her in a sit on my side farthest away from the woman.

After a few minutes, and an abbreviated version of Brenda's story, the woman was no longer angry and instead sympathetic.

Walking Brenda can be like running through a minefield.

Beer on Roof & Breakdown

2008-06-05T21:21:00.002-04:00

I came home from hanging out with a few friends and Ben was sitting on the roof with a huge can of Budweisser. Just sitting there and waiting for me to come home. He couldn't go inside because Brenda was free. And he wasn't even mad. I don't understand how he couldn't be mad. He loves her, and I hate her. I mean, in a way I love her, but I hate what she stands for--abuse and neglect and torture. And I really hate that we are so committed to her. Nobody's making us do it, we could have her euthanised tomorrow and I don't think anybody in the world would think that was unreasonable. I think about it every day.

Porter Pukes Up Plastic Bag

2008-06-05T20:57:00.002-04:00

He's done it before and he'll probably do it again. At least this time I didn't have to take him to the emergency room. I don't know what it is with Porter and plastic bags--and I mean huge plastic bags. We've been getting our laundry done because, as Ben puts it, he just isn't very good at folding, and as for me, well, I don't really do laundry.

Anyway, the laundry ladies put the clean clothes inside a plastic bag before they put the load inside whatever other kind of laundry bag their client's own. Our latest batch was sitting on a chest on the bedroom one night when I had a friend over.

This friend comes over all the time, and she brings her dog Sophie with her. Unfortunately for Porter, Sophie loves Sadie and the two of them pretty much ignore the poor little guy. He'll occasionally be invited to play, but gets frustrated when, like the other night for instance, they won't let him in their inner circle.

Porter can't deal and so he resorts to either humping his bed, licking his paws, chasing his tail, barking at them, or, apparently, eating plastic bags.

I didn't even realize he ate the plastic bag until the next morning when I discovered that the bag was missing and then saw it in his poop. I thought it was going to come out in bits and pieces and was fine with that.

That night, while I was working, I heard a strange noise and turned around. Porter was hunched over my pillow and heaving. I instantly knew what he was about to do and ran to him but got there too late. Half the bag was hanging out of his mouth and he was just looking at me with wide, pathetic eyes. I reached in and pulled the other half out of his throat. Poor dog felt better after that!

As for my pillow, well, that's another story.

Stuck

2008-05-26T17:25:00.002-04:00

One night last week one of my greatest fears came true. The door to the roof shut behind me, and Brenda and I were stuck on the roof. And it was raining. I banged and pounded and yelled for help but nobody heard. Finally, after what seemed like hours but was actually just a few minutes, Ben came to my rescue. It was pretty scary.

The inevitable fight between Porter and Brenda

2008-05-25T18:16:00.003-04:00

Last week, the inevitable happened. Porter and Brenda got in a nasty fight. I had gone to bed before Ben and put Brenda in her crate in the bedroom. Porter and Sadie were on the bed with me. When Ben came to bed a few hours later, Brenda awoke and started barking at him. Porter started barking at Brenda like he always does, but this time, Brenda somehow got out of the crate. I guess i didn't secure the latch properly.

I don't remember any of this because I was sound asleep, but according to Ben, Porter latched onto Brenda's ear and they were in a tussle that he couldn't break up in fear that she'd then go after him. I jumped out of bed, tore them apart, put Brenda back in her crate and instantly fell back asleep.

The next morning I was walking Brenda down the stairs when she started whimpering. I didn't know why, but upon further investigation I realized that the clip of the leash was hitting the wound on her ear. I picked up her ear flap and saw a huge gaping and bleeding bite. She was in a lot of pain.

I walked her for a bit, but then I was going to be late for the class that I teach on Saturday mornings so I put her muzzle on and asked Ben to clean it up. He did and luckily it has not gotten infected.

A day later, though, we noticed a bite on her eye--it was a puncture that got both the top and bottom so it looks like her eye was closed when it happened--that did swell up. It's not so bad that she needs to go to the vet, but I have been calling her Rocky every since. The biggest drag is that she can't wear her muzzle until it heals, which mean she's been having to spend more time in the crate.

Playing with Sadie

2008-05-18T20:17:00.002-04:00

Brenda has tried to play with Sadie in the past year, but until last week, her efforts have been quite awkward. I think she is finally getting the hang of it, though.

They both looked like normal, well adjusted dogs the other day while playing in the living room. They took turns rolling on their backs and jumping into a play bow position.

The only really funny part was when Sadie insisted on humping Brenda' head.

Chain Link Muzzle

2008-05-18T20:13:00.002-04:00

Ben has been walking Brenda every day with a muzzle on. It has been working out very well for everyone involved, except for one recent minor snafu.

Apparently, the bottom of Brenda's muzzle got caught on a fence the other day. Ben was walking with her and all of a sudden felt an unfamiliar pull on the leash. He turned around and found her caught up. Luckily, he was able to extract her without needing to take it off.

Explaining the Situation

2008-05-13T21:20:00.003-04:00

People who I talk to all the time, friends, colleagues, family members, are well aware of the journey with Brenda. They've heard the ups and downs and may even read this blog, but it's such an interesting experience when I talk with someone I haven't seen in a while--someone who may or may not know about Brenda at all.

As soon as I start explaining some of the things she's done, like the incessant peeing and pooping, the barking at all hours of the night, the bites, the fighting with the other dogs, the horrendous walks outside and simply trying to exist in this unkind world, I always end up offering explanations.

And within those explanations comes an insight and a reason for all this. I do it because I'm compelled to. Simple as that. There are days I wish she were dead, despite moments within those days that are blissful.

I have had points of hope along this entire journey and my current beacon is the Buspar, which is going to hit its highest dose in two weeks. After that happens, and given the highest dose isn't a cure-all, time is the only hope there is left. I'm not sure how long that's going to keep me going.

Then I think of where Brenda came from and the last year she's had here. I think she's finally found comfort and is happy. That's all I can hope for her at this point. Contentment may never come.

Stranded

2008-05-12T20:11:00.002-04:00

I went to New Jersey to visit my friend Linsey on Saturday night and misjudged how long it'd take me to get to her place. So, instead of heading home shortly after Ben got off work, I was still hanging out drinking wine and eating cheese when he called to tell me he got off work a little early.

The problem is that I left Brenda free in the apartment with the intention of returning before he got home. Since my commute back was now going to be longer than I originally anticipated, he was essentially locked out of his own apartment.

Instead of getting mad, he went to a park by the Hudson, watched the sunset and then went to a local brewery and had a few beers and a burger.

He was also, apparently, entertained by a group of people dressed up as pirates who sat next to him.

I marvel at how laid back he is about this whole mess with Brenda! I'm pretty lucky, or rather, Brenda is pretty lucky.

Midnight Spoil

2008-05-10T13:01:00.002-04:00

For two nights in a row last week Brenda woke me up barking like crazy and needing to be taken up to the roof to go to the bathroom. This is after a walk right before bed, during which she did her business. I was not pleased.

To make sure she doesn't do that again, I've been feeding her dinner earlier than usual and taking her out for a longer walk each evening.

It has been working well. She even spent the entire night quietly in her crate in the living room once. That didn't fly the next night, though. She cried when out there all alone.

Porter and Sadie's beautiful new collars

2008-05-06T20:47:00.000-04:00

Brenda's Meds

2008-05-04T19:05:00.002-04:00

Brenda is currently up to 40 mgs of Buspar each morning and night. The latest refill was for 300 pills and cost $150. I feel guilty for wondering if it's worth it. If fixing her, if making her comfortable, is all worth it. How much do I drug her? She already seems high a lot of the time, yet still has bouts of aggression where she'd undoubtedly hurt someone.

But then I see her smile while waiting patiently for a treat or look up at me with gratitude in her eyes while we're out for a long walk and I feel good about the decision again. I just have to find a good low-cost online pharmacy to get her scripts filled from now on.

Sleep Barking

2008-05-03T19:45:00.001-04:00

Today, in Brenda's sleep she started making strange gurgling noises and the longer it went on and the closer I listened, I realized that she was actually barking with her mouth shut. I wonder what she was dreaming about.

Brenda Basks in the Afternoon Sun

2008-05-03T13:55:00.000-04:00

Racism and Dogs

2008-04-28T17:49:00.003-04:00

I've been thinking a lot about the image of pit bulls and how strangers perceive different looking types of pit bull owners.

While I'm walking Porter and Sadie, most strangers on the street assume (I know because enough strangers have told me this) that Porter and Sadie were rescued and that they must be nice.

When Joe, their dog walker who happens to be an African American male is walking them, people make negative comments about the dogs and say things to Joe that insinuate they think he is unable to handle them. Once, he told me, a white woman walked past him and said 'oh, you people.'

Of course these are not absolutes. People have certainly been frightened of P & S when I've had them and kiss and hug them when Joe has them.

The majority of strangers who are scared of Porter and Sadie no matter who they are with, however, are African American--a trait in this neighborhood is often closely tied to economic status. A majority of the people who live in the Chelsea projects, for one reason or another, are African American.

While Michael Vick tried to defend himself by saying that animal abuse (dog fighting specifically) was a part of his African American culture, I argue it's more closely tied to a low economic status. Destitution and desperation brings out the worst in people....whether you're talking about how they treat themselves, their children or their pets.

Sadie on Letterman

2008-04-27T23:07:00.002-04:00

Sadie comes with me to one of my regular appointments training the dog of a celebrity.

This celebrity, who will remain unnamed, was on Letterman this past Friday and mentioned both me ("one of my trainers") and Sadie (he actually mentioned her by name).

It was pretty exciting. Sadie has been signing autographs all weekend.

$2000 Offer

2008-04-26T20:18:00.003-04:00

Somebody offered Joe, Porter and Sadie's dog walker, $2000 for Porter the other day. The only people who would make such an offer are likely to be in dog fighting rings. Though sick to think about, the funny part is that the worst thing Porter would ever do is lick somebody to death.

Bridge and Tunnel

2008-04-24T22:57:00.002-04:00

After one of my walks with Brenda today, I opened the apartment door to find Sadie waiting for us--standing still on all fours in the hallway as if standing guard.

Unable to easily move past her, Brenda--the little problem solver that she is--walked right underneath Sadie. There was just enough clearance.

Embarrassing Maneuver

2008-04-22T22:43:00.003-04:00

While I was sitting at my desk this evening, and Porter was resting on my bed, Brenda sauntered into the room and tried to jump on the bed to join him.

She got two legs up and then struggled like a fish out of water to hoist the rest of her body Despite flapping around wildly she fell on her butt and rolled onto her back the floor before scrambling upright, looking from Porter to me and back to Porter again.

She looked very embarrassed as she ran into her crate. I couldn't help but laugh.

Nice to Ben

2008-04-20T10:36:00.002-04:00

I caught Ben kneeling in front of the Brenda's crate with the door wide open. He was picking up her dinner dish and she was sitting at the back of the crate looking at him inquisitively. She wasn't stiff, she wasn't angry. No agitation in her body posture. I walked behind them and quickly ducked into the bedroom in fear that if I lingered too long she might decide to go through Ben (literally!) to get to me.

Ben says he wants to pet her but isn't going to try that yet. I don't blame him. No reason to push too fast too soon and undo all the progress she's made.

Picking up Trash

2008-04-19T18:28:00.002-04:00

Today, Brenda picked up a piece of trash and held it in her mouth for a few blocks. She looked very pleased with herself and kept looking up at me for approval. While she was holding it she was not paying attention to anything else, such as men or other dogs and I realized that if I could only train her to hold something in her mouth during high-stress situations she'd be unable to bark or growl.

Later, when she got bored with the piece of trash, I found a tennis ball and told her to carry it. She did for a while and then lost interest. I think I can put take, hold, drop on command, though and will focus on that this week.

Quiet!

2008-04-18T18:43:00.002-04:00

Yesterday, I ran into Joe, Porter and Sadie's dog walker, on the street hours after he had walked them. He told me that when he entered the apartment Brenda--who was in her new crate in the living room--was quiet. Didn't bark or anything.

Then, last night, I had my friend Sarah and her dog Sophie over for a playdate and Brenda hung out in the bedroom crate perfectly silent.

Up until yesterday she barked like crazy when anybody except for me or Belisa entered the apartment and after being alone for too long when she could hear fun being had without her.

Breakthrough.

Sunny Walk

2008-04-17T14:55:00.002-04:00

It is Spring in NYC and marvelously sunny today. My morning walk with Brenda was fantastic. 11 minutes into it and her tongue was hanging out of her mouth, she was walking with a little swagger and her eyes were glistening in happiness. She seemed serene, which is not a word normally associated with the little beast piglet.

We walked to the end of an empty pier and took a ten-minute break on a bench overlooking the Hudson river. I let her jump onto the bench with me and she rested her head on my lap, occasionally giving me little kisses.

Fairy Found

2008-04-17T14:50:00.003-04:00

I found out that the crate left on my doorstep was from Belisa and actually the same crate that I once had at my apartment. Somehow it ended up at in one of her friend's storage facilities.

Having it back is bitter sweet. Brenda has more room and is more involved in the daily comings and goings of the apartment, but that also means she gets more agitated than when she's in the bedroom all alone. Though an important next step in her evolution as a good canine companion, it is tiresome to hear her near constant barking and snarling at the door, Ben and Porter.

Today is unique in that I have only one outside client and am not usually home as much. She is, after all, much different and more charming when I'm not around. I think she will learn to love the new situation in time.

She has already smiled at Ben many times today without incident.

Crate Fairy

2008-04-15T22:28:00.002-04:00

This afternoon I came home from a yoga class to find a large dog crate sitting outside of my apartment door. I had been asking around for a crate and this one anonymously appeared. I'm in search of our crate fairy.

Brenda has one small crate in which she sleeps at night. She also spends a large portion of the day in it when home alone with Ben.

I wanted a huge one to put in the living room so she could feel like more of a family member when I wasn't home to supervise her--sort of like a playpen.

This crate that miraculously appeared fits nicely between my couch and the book case in the living room and when I came home tonight after having drinks with a few friends, Brenda was asleep inside of it. I left the door open and she seemed to know it was for her.

The funny part is that last night I ordered an even larger crate from a pet supply store online. Too late to cancel the order, I'm sure, I guess Brenda will have a large play pen in the bedroom, too.

Calling Brenda to Come

2008-04-13T22:23:00.002-04:00

I've spent the last few months trying to teach Brenda basic obedience commands. She knows sit, can go down with a lure and heels very well in a controlled environment. She also comes when called but up until last week she would only come in a very formal manner, only when outside and on leash.

I was so happy the other night when, sitting on the couch, I could see the hall mirror and in it, Brenda's reflection jumping on my bed.

Tired of having to go get her off everytime this happened I yelled for her to come to me. I never believed that she actually would, but the moment I said "Brenda, Come," her ears pricked up, she turned around, jumped off the bed and ran to me at full speed.

She got a lot of kisses as a reward.

Paint Job

2008-04-13T22:14:00.002-04:00

Our building's roof recently received a fresh coat of silver paint.

It was perfectly smooth until I took Brenda up there about 24 hours after the job was done. I had no idea it was painted until I opened the door.

It was dry so I proceeded, but then Brenda stretched. She put her front legs straight out and pushed her body back, extending all her nails. They left little marks in the fresh coat of paint.

So now, a few weeks later, the roof is scarred with little nail marks all over the place.

I imagine telling the landlord that it must have been caused by chicken wire blowing in a storm. Hmmm

Every Sunday I clean the roof with water and dish soap so at least there aren't urine marks or feces to mar the surface.

Tug

2008-04-13T21:54:00.002-04:00

Ever since Ben and I went to Oregon for a few days in February, Porter has been humping his bed when feeling anxious. It happens when one of us comes home at a different time than normal and when we have guests.

Porter bites the bed, holding it in place with his teeth, and humps with a one-track mind. The only way I've been able to stop him in the past is by tethering him away from anything remotely soft.

Then, recently I discovered that playing tug is as good of a stress reliever for Porter as humping his bed. So now, instead of letting him get to the point of no return, I'll whip out his favorite tug rope and get him excited about playing. He loves it, and holds on so tight that we can lift him off the ground and even turn in a circle while lifting him up so that his body is flying in the air.

At least he's not a hump machine anymore.

Gretta

2008-04-13T21:47:00.003-04:00

There are three apartments per floor in our building.

At least one dog lives on each floor, and for the last three years our dogs have been the only ones on the fifth.

Two weeks ago, though, our neighbors—who have been rather aloof up until now—acquired a miniscule miniature pincher named Gretta. She is about the size of jumbo hot dog.

Now, our neighbors are friendly and seek dog-rearing advice from us. It's amazing, because I was convinced they were unfriendly because of how noisey our dogs are.

I think this building has more soundproof barriers than I've ever given it credit for.

My neighbors directly underneath us always smile and say how much patience it must take to live with our three dogs. I agree, and never dare to ask if they hear them playing. I don't actually want to know the truth.

Porter and Sadie met Gretta for the first time yesterday. Gretta barked at them. Sadie ignored her and Porter sniffed her interest.

Gretta is smaller than his head.

Famous People

2008-04-13T21:44:00.003-04:00

Porter and Sadie's dog walker tells me that Porter and Sadie get more attention on the street than any of his other clients.

They are beautiful and everybody wants to know what kind of dogs they are. I think that their brindle markings throw people.

The attention isn't only from regular folks. Apparently, Porter and Sadie have attracted both Ethan Hawke and Christina Applegate!